Thursday, 14 March 2013

How to Liberate Yourself From Low Self-Esteem

by Nick Notas
Every man seeks the answer to the eternal question:
“How do I become confident?”
And for most, they’re asking the wrong question. They should be saying:
“How do I love myself more?”
Before you think I’m spouting some new age fluff, hear me out.
Confidence is not something you instantly acquire. It’s not a simple on and off switch or a few lines you can memorize. It’s not about getting laid, acting “alpha”, or anything external. It is an internal belief about yourself that must be cultivated over time. That begins with your self-esteem.
Wikipedia defines self-esteem as:
“A term used in psychology to reflect a person’s overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth.” (Source)
In other words, do you love who you are? Do you trust in yourself? Do you prioritize your needs? Do you invest in yourself regularly? Do you respect your opinions? Are you congruent with your values and principles?
When faced with various situations in life that challenge the above, there are two paths you can take. One leads you to a life of fulfillment, the other leads to endless suffering. 

Fear and avoidance: the path to misery

Men with low self-esteem often choose the wrong path. They don’t realize how much damage they’re doing by perpetuating a cycle of frustration and unhappiness.
  1. You choose not to love yourself. You subdue your needs, wants, and desires. You hide or lie about your opinions. You avoid pushing your comfort zone out of fear. You always act how you think other people will want rather than what you want.
  2. You receive internal destructive feedback. You feel like a failure for not trying and beat yourself up about it. You’re ashamed of yourself. You feel weak and powerless. You make excuses. You’re always left wondering what could have happened and over-analyzing.
  3. You subconsciously reinforce that you aren’t worthy and lower your self-esteem. You build beliefs that no one will like the real you. You think you are not worthy of being loved. You keep burying your core and lose the sense of who you are. You fail to trust in your abilities. You’re convinced that you will never get what you want. You re-affirm that you’re a failure who can never change.
The cycle keeps repeating and gaining power over you. You are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Vulnerability and action: the path to freedom

By taking the right path, you build self-esteem and liberate yourself.
  1. You choose to love yourself. You go after your needs, wants, and desires. You speak your mind freely. You challenge your comfort zone even though you’re terrified. You are considerate of others but act congruent to yourself and your wants. You present the real you at all times.
  2. You prevent internal destructive feedback. You prove to yourself you are stronger for trying regardless of the outcome. You’re proud of being honest with yourself. You feel empowered. You can accept the reality of what happened (good or bad) and grow from it.
  3. You subconsciously reinforce that you are worthy and raise your self-esteem. You attribute the connections you make with people to the real you. You know that you are worthy of being loved. You find a sense of identity. You establish trust with who you are, what you stand for, and what you’re capable of.

Recognizing poor choices and getting on the right path 

To break the negative cycle you need to be aware of which path you’re taking every day. I’ve found that keeping a log is the best way to hold yourself accountable and start changing your habits.
Note every time you are being fake and self-sabotaging. Write down how you could have been true and self-loving instead. Use some of the common situations below as examples to apply in your life.
You see a girl you want to approach.
Wrong path: You don’t approach because you’re too afraid of getting rejected, sounding stupid, or bothering her. You get down on yourself because you never talk to women. You start thinking about how you’ll always be alone. You go home depressed and apathetic to trying again.
Right path: You start moving your legs before your brain has a chance to talk you out of it. You introduce yourself to her with your stomach in knots. Regardless of how it went, you feel amazing afterwards that you finally did it. You proved that you are resilient enough and it didn’t destroy you. You gain more motivation and confidence to do it again.
You are interested in this girl you know.
Wrong path: You want more than friendship but don’t flirt or initiate physical contact. You’re worried that she’ll think you’re a creep and tell you off. You make excuses that it’s not the right time or place. The longer you wait around, the more frustrated and resentful you become about the whole thing. You believe that she is everything and you are nothing.
Right path: You show your intentions to her because that’s how you truly feel. You feel courageous for putting everything out in the open. If she doesn’t return interest, you can be relieved to know she isn’t compatible with you. You can then move on to find someone who is. This reinforces that you value yourself and your time.
You want to build an interesting lifestyle and make friends.
Wrong path: You don’t go to local events or meet-ups because you might not “fit in”. You’re worried about being judged. You get lonely and think about how you don’t have many friends. You convince yourself that there must be something wrong with you. You continue the cycle of staying in because no one will want you around.
Right path: You go out because you want to try something fun and challenging. You remind yourself to relax and that you don’t have anything to prove. Instead, you focus on getting to know people that interest you. This puts you in a mindset of choice and abundance. You now look forward to going out because you can be yourself around people that actually matter.
For more ways to practice heading down the right path, see my post on being more assertive and getting what you want.
Recognize your natural inclination to take the path of misery. Remind yourself how going down this route is doing more harm than good. It may feel like the easy way out, but it’s destroying your self-esteem in the long run.
Every subsequent time you choose the path of self-love, you will build trust in yourself. By repeatedly making choices that are in tune with your core, you create a habit of prioritizing your happiness. Your success is then based on whether you were genuine rather than external results. This is how you achieve outcome independence and high self-esteem.
Only when you love, respect, and approve of yourself unconditionally can you become a confident man.

Check out more awesome articles by Nick at The Dating Specialist 

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

3 Steps to Overcome the Past That’s Holding You Back

Article by Nick Notas
Your past does not have to dictate your future.
If it did I’d still be an overweight, insecure, needy guy who couldn’t maintain a healthy relationship. But instead I celebrated my 3-year anniversary yesterday with an amazing woman, in the greatest shape of my life, and happier than I’ve ever been.
However, it deeply saddens me to encounter so many people who can’t break free of the chains of yesterday. Their actions, choices, and beliefs about themselves are governed by experiences that occurred 5, 10, or even 20 years ago. And it prevents them from growing into the best version of themselves.
These negative experiences have poisoned their core. Many guys have shared with me their stories and the resulting limiting beliefs:
“I’ve been friend zoned or rejected by every girl I’ve ever liked. I’m an unattractive, inexperienced loser that no one will ever want.”
“My dad was a womanizer who constantly cheated on my mom. I’m afraid that I’ll become the same kind of guy and hurt the women I care about.”
“The only girl I loved left me for who I thought was my best friend. I can’t trust any women anymore, they’re all selfish sluts.”
“I was the fat kid (weird kid, skinny kid, etc) everyone made fun of growing up. Deep down I can never change that.”
I know you’ve had a difficult past. You’ve had some negative experiences that impacted your life greatly. You’re scarred from people who mistreated you or broke your trust. Your previous failures have made you afraid to try again. But holding onto your demons forever is not a solution. Instead:

Analyze and challenge your limiting beliefs

I want you think about a negative belief you have about yourself. Let’s use the “I’m unattractive and no one will ever want me” example.
Drop your ego and honestly confront yourself with the following questions:
  • Why do I believe this to be true? Have I looked at it from an outside perspective? Could I be overlooking other factors?
  • Why am I still holding onto it?
  • Is it hurting or hindering my life?
Many guys would say “Yes, it’s true Nick. I’ve never been with or had a girl sexually attracted to me. How can you see it any other way?”
So then you start to break it down…
“Well, I never actually showed my intentions with those girls. I was too afraid. I never flirted or touched them. I hung around pretending to be a friend rather than being forward or meeting other girls. I didn’t dress well or look my best. I also don’t approach girls regularly so my sample size is tiny.”
Why you’re holding onto it…
“I can’t let go because it’s embarrassing to admit I blew my chances. It hurts my pride to acknowledge that they just might not have been into me. I’m afraid of moving on because that would force me to invest more in myself and be vulnerable with someone new again.”
And how it’s hindering your life…
“I’m not romantically connecting with great women which leaves me frustrated and resentful. Because of that, I’m unmotivated, apathetic, and unhappy.”
Once you start deconstructing your limiting beliefs you’ll see how useless and destructive they are. Only then will you be ready to accept why it’s so important to overcome them.

Make peace with your past

What happened was terrible and I’m sorry you had to go through that. But there comes a point when you have to say “It happened and at the time it made me feel X, Y, and Z. I don’t have the power to change the past but I will learn from it and change my future.”
If a lack of closure is preventing you from making peace: go get your closure. This may mean facing someone or something in uncomfortable situations.
Unfortunately, you may not get that closure or it may not even be possible. Accept the reality that there won’t be a neat little box and it’s your job to resolve your own feelings. It takes immense courage but you’ll be a stronger person for it.

Disprove and replace with fresh, healthy beliefs

No one else, including me, can ever convince you that your limiting beliefs are temporary. You have to do it yourself. That’ll only happen when you see those beliefs shattered through real-world experiences that, in turn, create new, positive beliefs.
Start with the one belief you analyzed. Write down a list of ways you are going to constructively challenge it in practice:
  • I’m going to introduce myself to a new woman every week.
  • I will read up on fashion, start dressing well, and look my best for social situations.
  • I’m going to start showing my interest to girls I want to be with.
  • I will not wait around for someone who is not returning interest in me.
If you want this to succeed, you need to put in the time and effort to apply these consistently. But be patient with your progress — you’re trying to break beliefs that you’ve internalized for a long time.
Soon enough, the cracks in that belief will be revealed. You’ll meet a new girl and get her number. You’ll have your first kiss. You’ll start noticing girls flirt with you. With each new piece of evidence you will further destroy the validity of that belief.
Finally, you’ll realize that it was all in your mind the whole time. It was your acceptance of those beliefs that made them true.
Let go of who you were or who you think you are and embrace who you’re supposed to become.

Check out more awesome articles by Nick at The Dating Specialist >>

Monday, 28 January 2013

A little bit of motivation to get you by

Friday, 25 January 2013

How to completely get over someone

Assuming you were in a fairly fulfilling relationship that lasted more than just a few months (otherwise you wouldn’t care about getting over them), you need to lose the assumption that you will be able to completely get over them. You never will. The time that you spent with them contributed to who you are today and you should never be ashamed of that.
What you will do is learn to live with the idea that what you had was great while it lasted but now it is time to move on. Like a day at Disneyland, it was fun and you wish you didn’t have to leave but the reality is, you were not able to stay. So you walk out those gates with a smile on your face and the knowledge that one day, you’ll return again. It may not be the same place, but you know what you are looking for and you won’t settle for anything less.
Yes it will hurt and you will want that to end. It will. But, as cheesy as it sounds, the pain is the proof that what you had was worth it. If it didn’t hurt, the relationship would not have been good enough. It’s the price we pay.
So, remember the good times and smile. Reflect on the bad and think of what you’ll do different next time. Then take a walk and get some sun. Read some poetry or write some of your own (even if it’s shitty, who cares?! It’s just for you). When the thoughts come back embrace them, cry and start the process over. Every time you do this the pain will lessen until you realise that, while you will not get over them, you will be ok. You’ll realise that you are strong, important and worth it.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

7 ways to keep your ego in check

1. Stop being offended


The behavior of others isn’t a reason to be immobilized. That which offends you only weakens you. If you’re looking for occasions to be offended, you’ll find them at every turn. This is your ego at work convincing you that the world shouldn't be the way it is. But you can become an appreciator of life and match up with the universal Spirit of Creation. You can’t reach the power of intention by being offended. By all means, act to eradicate the horrors of the world, which emanate from massive ego identification, but stay in peace. As A Course in Miracles reminds us: Peace is of God, you who are part of God are not at home except in his peace. Being is of God, you who are part of God are not at home except in his peace. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place and leads to attack, counterattack, and war.

2. Let go of your need to win


Ego loves to divide us up into winners and losers. The pursuit of winning is a surefire means to avoid conscious contact with intention. Why? Because ultimately, winning is impossible all of the time. Someone out there will be faster, luckier, younger, stronger, and smarter-and back you’ll go to feeling worthless and insignificant.

You’re not your winnings or your victories. You may enjoy competing, and have fun in a world where winning is everything, but you don’t have to be there in your thoughts. There are no losers in a world where we all share the same energy source. All you can say on a given day is that you performed at a certain level in comparison to the levels of others on that day. But today is another day, with other competitors and new circumstances to consider. You’re still the infinite presence in a body that’s another day (or decade) older. Let go of needing to win by not agreeing that the opposite of winning is losing. That’s egos fear. If your body isn’t performing in a winning fashion on this day, it simply doesn’t matter when you aren’t identifying exclusively with your ego. Be the observer, noticing and enjoying it all without needing to win a trophy. Be at peace, and match up with the energy of intention. And ironically, although you’ll hardly notice it, more of those victories will show up in your life as you pursue them less.

3. Let go of your need to be right


Ego is the source of a lot of conflict and dissension because it pushes you in the direction of making other people wrong. When you’re hostile, you’ve disconnected from the power of intention. The creative Spirit is kind, loving, and receptive; and free of anger, resentment, or bitterness. Letting go of your need to be right in your discussions and relationships is like saying to ego, I’m not a slave to you. I want to embrace kindness, and I reject your need to be right. In fact, I’m going to offer this person a chance to feel better by saying that she’s right, and thank her for pointing me in the direction of truth.

When you let go of the need to be right, you’re able to strengthen your connection to the power of intention. But keep in mind that ego is a determined combatant. I’ve seen people end otherwise beautiful relationships by sticking to their need to be right. I urge you to let go of this ego-driven need to be right by stopping yourself in the middle of an argument and asking yourself, Do I want to be right or be happy? When you choose the happy, loving, spiritual mood, your connection to intention is strengthened. These moments ultimately expand your new connection to the power of intention. The universal Source will begin to collaborate with you in creating the life you were intended to live.

4. Let go of your need to be superior


True nobility isn’t about being better than someone else. It’s about being better than you used to be. Stay focused on your growth, with a constant awareness that no one on this planet is any better than anyone else. We all emanate from the same creative life force. We all have a mission to realize our intended essence; all that we need to fulfill our destiny is available to us. None of this is possible when you see yourself as superior to others. It’s an old saw, but nonetheless true: we are all equal in the eyes of God. Let go of your need to feel superior by seeing the unfolding of God in everyone. Don’t assess others on the basis of their appearance, achievements, possessions, and other indices of ego. When you project feelings of superiority that’s what you get back, leading to resentments and ultimately hostile feelings. These feelings become the vehicle that takes you farther away from intention. A Course in Miracles addresses this need to be special and superior: Special ness always makes comparisons. It is established by a lack seen in another, and maintained by searching for, and keeping clear in sight, all lacks it can perceive.

5. Let go of your need to have more

The mantra of ego is more. It’s never satisfied. No matter how much you achieve or acquire, your ego will insist that it isn’t enough. You’ll find yourself in a perpetual state of striving, and eliminate the possibility of ever arriving. Yet in reality you’ve already arrived, and how you choose to use this present moment of your life is your choice. Ironically, when you stop needing more, more of what you desire seems to arrive in your life. Since you’re detached from the need for it, you find it easier to pass it along to others, because you realize how little you need in order to be satisfied and at peace.

The universal Source is content with itself, constantly expanding and creating new life, never trying to hold on to its creations for its own selfish means. It creates and lets go. As you let go of ego’s need to have more, you unify with that Source. You create, attract to yourself, and let it go, never demanding that more come your way. By allowing abundance to flow to and through you, you match up with your Source and guarantee that this energy will continue to flow.

6. Let go of identifying yourself on the basis of your achievements


This may be a difficult concept if you think you are your achievements. God writes all the music, God sings all the songs, God builds all the buildings, God is the source of all your achievements. I can hear your ego loudly protesting. Nevertheless, stay tuned to this idea. All emanates from Source! You and that Source are one! You’re not this body and its accomplishments. You are the observer. Notice it all; and be grateful for the abilities you’ve accumulated. But give all the credit to the power of intention, which brought you into existence and which you’re a materialized part of. The less you need to take credit for your achievements and the more connected you stay to the seven faces of intention, the more you’re free to achieve, and the more will show up for you. It’s when you attach yourself to those achievements and believe that you alone are doing all of those things that you leave the peace and the gratitude of your Source.

7. Let go of your reputation


Your reputation is not located in you. It resides in the minds of others. Therefore, you have no control over it at all. If you speak to 30 people, you will have 30 reputations. Connecting to intention means listening to your heart and conducting yourself based on what your inner voice tells you is your purpose here. If you’re overly concerned with how you’re going to be perceived by everyone, then you’ve disconnected yourself from intention and allowed the opinions of others to guide you. This is your ego at work. It’s an illusion that stands between you and the power of intention. There’s nothing you can’t do, unless you disconnect from the power source and become convinced that your purpose is to prove to others how masterful and superior you are and spend your energy attempting to win a giant reputation among other egos. Do what you do because your inner voice always connected to and grateful to your Source-so directs you. Stay on purpose, detach from outcome, and take responsibility for what does reside in you: your character. Leave your reputation for others to debate; it has nothing to do with you. Or as a book title says: What You Think of Me Is None of My Business!

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

That Little Voice In Your Head

Monday, 26 November 2012

20 Things you should know by 20

1. The world is trying to keep you stupid. From bank fees to interest rates to miracle diets,people who are not educated are easier to get money from and easier to lead. Educate yourself as much as possible for wealth, independence, and happiness.
2. Do not have faith in institutions to educate you. By the time they build the curriculum, it’s likely that the system is outdated– sometimes utterly broken. You both learn and get respect from people worth getting it from by leading and doing, not by following.
3. Read as much as you can. Learn to speed read with high retention.
4. Connect with everyone, all the time. Be genuine about it. Learn to find something you like in each person, and then speak to that thing.
5. Don’t waste time being shy. Shyness is the belief that your emotions should be the arbitrators of your decision making process when the opposite is actually true.
6. If you feel weird about something during a relationship, that’s usually what you end up breaking up over.
7. Have as much contact as possible with older people. The reason this is so valuable is because people your age don’t usually have the decision-making ability to help you very much. Also they know almost everything you will learn later, so ask them.
8. Find people that are cooler than you and hang out with them too. This and the corollary are both important: “don’t attempt to be average inside your group. Continuously attempt to be cooler than them (by doing cooler things, being more laid back, accepting, ambitious, etc.).”
9. You will become more conservative over time. This is just a fact. Those you surround yourself with create a kind of “bubble” that pushes you to support the status quo. For this reason, you need to do your craziest stuff NOW. Later on, you’ll become too afraid. Trust me.
10. Reduce all expenses as much as possible. I mean it. This creates a safety net that will allow you to do the crazier shit mentioned above.
11. Instead of getting status through objects (which provide only temporary boosts), do it through experiences. In other words, a trip to Paris is a better choice than a new wardrobe. Studies show this also boosts happiness.
12. While you are living on the cheap, solve the money problem. Use the internet, because it’s like a cool little machine that helps you do your bidding. If you are currently living paycheck to paycheck, extend that to three weeks instead of two. Then, as you get better, you can think a month ahead, then three months, then six, and finally a year ahead. (The goal is to get to a point where you are thinking 5 years ahead.)
14. Get a six-pack (or get thin, whatever your goal is) while you are young. Your hormones are in a better place to help you do this at a younger age. Don’t waste this opportunity, trust me.
15. Learn to cook. This will make everything much easier and it turns food from a chore + expensive habit into a pleasant + frugal one. I’m a big Jamie Oliver fan, but whatever you like is fine.
16. Sleep well. This and cooking will help with the six pack. If you think “I can sleep when I’m dead” or “I have too much to do to sleep,” I have news for you: you are INEFFICIENT, and sleep deprivation isn’t helping.
17. Get a reminder app for everything. Do not trust your own brain for your memory. Do not trust it for what you “feel like” you should be doing. Trust only the reminder app. Some good ones are RE.minder and Action Method.
18. Choose something huge to do, as well as allowing the waves of opportunity to help you along. If you don’t set goals, some stuff may happen, but if you do choose, lots more will.
19. Get known for one thing. Spend like 5 years doing it instead of flopping around all over the place. If you want to shift afterwards, go ahead. Like I said, choose something.
20. Don’t try to “fix” anyone. Instead, look for someone who isn’t broken.